I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
