The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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