I think i sorta joined a cult last night
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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