I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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