i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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