my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
