I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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