You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
