honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
