no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
