Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
