After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
