You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
