he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
