I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
