I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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