this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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