I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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