just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
