Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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