I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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