I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
