i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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