Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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