hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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