i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
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My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
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My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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