i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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