i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
