I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
