does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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