she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
