SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Also, beer. Big fan.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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