I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
