drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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