he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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