i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
