Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
