I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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