dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
