So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
