Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
