Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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