Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
