true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
areolas are like halos for boobs.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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