dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
