dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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