Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
