I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
how drunk are you?
Several
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize