if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
