Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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