the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
