he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Four minutes until I can fart!
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
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i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
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My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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