I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
